i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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