I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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