Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
