so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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