I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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