I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
