I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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