it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
