No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
