All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
