dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
