finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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