i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
