Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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