I'm going to jail i love you
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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