So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
