Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
