im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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