Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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