First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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