Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
