I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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