apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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