I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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