My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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