so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
