The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
