Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
