I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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