We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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