I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
