I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
