I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
