He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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