I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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