he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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