If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
