last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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