im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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