I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
