I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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