I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
