Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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