I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
