Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
