You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The feeling are messing with the penis
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
