I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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