I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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