I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Apparently you make a good broom.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
