Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
