I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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