I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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