Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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