Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
