Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
