So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
