I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
