my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
