An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
