yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
