My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize