so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
