Your face is a jimmy john
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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